Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…