A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.