A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
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me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT