Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

is this meant to deter me

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.