a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.