Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Better luck next time champ

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?