a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
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Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.