a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
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The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.