a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
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ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
man: wait
time: no
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
