a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
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I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.