Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Everyone’s family

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

there has never been a better use of this meme

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?