A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
You Might Also Like
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
tfw you realize …
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?