A huge thanks to the person that did this
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I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA