Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

🤣

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

My new favorite headline

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you