Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

Catercrombie & Fish

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*