@AskinWayne

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

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@vladchoc

I don’t need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire

@ArielSElias

AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.

@thetobbie

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

@roxiqt

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@Reverend_Scott

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

@WheelTod

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

@mela_shea

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

@DaddyJew

Imagine being rich enough you could take your car in to get looked at every time the check engine light came on