a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

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I don’t need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire


AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.


Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…


Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?


God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.


[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct


Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming


I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.


Imagine being rich enough you could take your car in to get looked at every time the check engine light came on