a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!