A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
You Might Also Like
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
As a doctor, I can confirm
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.