Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

I’ve disappointed better people.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.