A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
This is my bus stop.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think