A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too