A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
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Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university