ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
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Message from the dog groomers
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.