A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
You Might Also Like
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.