Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.