A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
The absolute effort that went into this omg