Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone