A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Frankenstein?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.