Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.