A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?