Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.