A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Sharon I have some bad news
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Comparing yourself to others
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you