A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
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Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
absolute chaos
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Investing in beetcoin
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now