Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Monica just destroyed the internet

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Rather alarming headline…

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.