A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
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HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Botany good plants lately?
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied