A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
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The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl