A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
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I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.