A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
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The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Before & after 😅
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.