A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
my first dose meeting my second
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
They did not miss in the small print
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.