A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The pen is writier than the sword.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!