I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
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I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.