Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

We need more people like this.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?