*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard