Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza