*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors