@Coolisiana

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

- @Coolisiana

You Might Also Like

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@michael_J_m00n

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

@Gupton68

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

@INDlAN_

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

@OINKimmaPIG

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

@ipalatsky

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

@wolfpupy

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

@anerdonfire2

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom