*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Holy crap this is wonderful
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj