Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

can’t catch a break

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.