A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
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My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you