A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha