A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Hmmmmm
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.