ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.