a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.