Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

I ain’t wearing no wire

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.