a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.