A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
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Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Looks like it’s time to find a friend with benefits*
*backyard chickens
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out