A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
