A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
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My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.