Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

she has a point

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen