A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
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Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
a god among men
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.