A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
🤣🤣🤣
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.