“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Air conditioning – not a fan
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.