“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
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Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
That’s incredible! 👌
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.