Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

I would move hell over six inches for you

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.