A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert