A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
You Might Also Like
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
sure, why not
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?