Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Best table by far

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.