A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.