Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

ㅤ

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT