A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Pat is about to own someone
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.