A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
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My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.