A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Anyone want a chair?