A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
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*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
👾👾👾
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic