A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
🔥🔥
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.