Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

#JohnTravolta

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.