A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
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❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Pikachu found the lost joint