A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
So inspired right now.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
(yawn)
