A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
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me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.