A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
The cashier just checked me out.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
what could possibly go wrong?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.